By Nco Dube

ANC – Led your rescue from Apartheid. Forgot to claim the family home when they rescued you. Like an abusive spouse asking for another chance. Lots of shared history. Has looked after you a bit but also caused a lot of pain. They take you for granted somewhat. Have gotten fatter while you’ve grown thinner.

DA – Apartheid’s child. Speaks, looks and behaves like Apartheid. They tell you they are born again, even deny they are Apartheid’s child. But won’t let anyone near any of Apartheid’s plundered assets. Protects them like a hawk. Image conscious and smooth talker. Allows racists in their house so long as they keep it private.

EFF – Populist, angry child of the ANC. Angry at their disowned parent, angry at everyone. Loves the good life but play-pretends to be a socialist. Also likes playing toy soldiers.

IFP – Old flame who has never understood how you chose ANC over them. You still have some of the things they used to buy you. They also used to beat you up. Look like they have changed but still threaten violence at the slightest instance. Used to be friends with Apartheid.

MK – An even angrier child of ANC. Born running and chaotic. Obscenely populist. Knows how to grab attention. Shows up everywhere but no one knows exactly what they do for a living. Extremely angry at their parent.

ActionSA – DA child who had a Damascus moment and fled the nest. Says all the right things but can’t seem to totally separate from their abusive parent, DA. Still gets family allowance from DA.

Rise Mzansi – Local guy. Has the looks and the money but no one knows who he is or what he is about.

BOSA – another DA child. A lot of people know him but no one pays any attention to him. He should have teamed up with his brother ActionSA.

ACDP – Local Bible-basher. No one takes them seriously. Bit of an alcoholic but hides it.

UDM – One of the older ANC children. Still holds a grudge against ANC. Can’t keep a secret.

FF+ – Apartheid’s younger brother. He is just angry it ended. Lives in the past. Racist AF.

PA – Local thug. Came back from prison and joined community projects by the day and parties by the night. Has friends in odd places but can’t keep them. Can sell ice to the Eskimos.

COPE – Older ANC child. Has run out of steam. Needs to retire.

NFP – IFP child. Seems to be carrying a parental curse. Can’t keep it together. Barely holding on.

PAC – Eldest ANC child. Should have retired a while ago.

Good – PAC’s eldest child. Has sold out far too many times. No one trusts them now.

AZAPO – Should have retired a long time ago.

ABC – Bored rich cousin. You do not know exactly how they are related to you but you do not mind because they are rich.

APC – Another PAC child. Has run out of steam.

ATM – No one knows exactly who this guy is. But he pops up at all the right moments.

ACT – Disowned ANC son. No prospects. Should have joined either one of his siblings at EFF or MK.

AIC – con artist. They are just glad to get mistaken votes.

For a bit of Laughter…